In Chapter 4 of Gottman’s book that we
read this week, I really found the story of Rory and Lisa’s relationship
to be incredibly interesting. At first, I read some of the things that
were going on within that relationship and I was appalled! How could
Rory be so consumed with work that he does not even know the name of the
family dog?! As I continued reading, I realized that part of the reason
why I didn’t like the things I was reading as much as I did was because
I have seen how sad this very behavior is in real life.
In the home of my aunt and uncle, common knowledge of the home and what is inside, the lives of my cousins, and the emotional state of my aunt is something that is completely foreign to my uncle. Growing up, my sister and I were very close with one of these cousins and would spend and great deal of time over at their house. In talking to my cousin, probably 16 at the time, she told us that she has never seen her parents kiss in her entire life. She has never heard and I love you or seen them sleep in the same bed together either. He slept in his “man cave” in the garage while my aunt slept in their bedroom. They had a very set schedule where she would cook and eat dinner with the kids and about an hour later when dinner was cleaned up and everyone was out of the kitchen, my uncle would enjoy the leftovers out of the fridge. This was incredibly normal for this family, but also something that eventually became unbearable to my aunt. After over 30 years of marriage, nearly nine years passing from the last time that they had been intimate with each other, and double those number of years from the last time they had ever joined together to do something as a family, they filed for divorce.
I share this because of the unpleasant and unhealthy habits that had been formed over the course of many years. Lack of involvement on my uncles part even got to the point where after a few days of not seeing anyone in the house, he called one of the kids and realized that my aunt had taken them all to Disneyland for the week and that they had already been gone for a few days. He had no idea. It was this very disinterest and lack of love and attention to family life and his wife that ultimately led to their divorce. Though things got very extreme at the end of their marriage, it started with simple things like the lack of communication on a day-to-day basis. Though it might seem irrelevant, it is the little things like checking in once during the day while you’re both out that really keep you close to one another even if life, work, etc. does bring space in between you. It was a very unfortunate spiral downwards that I watched growing up, but it was also something that I gained many lessons from as to what I need to assure does not happen in my marriage. My husband and I have talked about it before and we still feel the same way: Communication is key.
In the home of my aunt and uncle, common knowledge of the home and what is inside, the lives of my cousins, and the emotional state of my aunt is something that is completely foreign to my uncle. Growing up, my sister and I were very close with one of these cousins and would spend and great deal of time over at their house. In talking to my cousin, probably 16 at the time, she told us that she has never seen her parents kiss in her entire life. She has never heard and I love you or seen them sleep in the same bed together either. He slept in his “man cave” in the garage while my aunt slept in their bedroom. They had a very set schedule where she would cook and eat dinner with the kids and about an hour later when dinner was cleaned up and everyone was out of the kitchen, my uncle would enjoy the leftovers out of the fridge. This was incredibly normal for this family, but also something that eventually became unbearable to my aunt. After over 30 years of marriage, nearly nine years passing from the last time that they had been intimate with each other, and double those number of years from the last time they had ever joined together to do something as a family, they filed for divorce.
I share this because of the unpleasant and unhealthy habits that had been formed over the course of many years. Lack of involvement on my uncles part even got to the point where after a few days of not seeing anyone in the house, he called one of the kids and realized that my aunt had taken them all to Disneyland for the week and that they had already been gone for a few days. He had no idea. It was this very disinterest and lack of love and attention to family life and his wife that ultimately led to their divorce. Though things got very extreme at the end of their marriage, it started with simple things like the lack of communication on a day-to-day basis. Though it might seem irrelevant, it is the little things like checking in once during the day while you’re both out that really keep you close to one another even if life, work, etc. does bring space in between you. It was a very unfortunate spiral downwards that I watched growing up, but it was also something that I gained many lessons from as to what I need to assure does not happen in my marriage. My husband and I have talked about it before and we still feel the same way: Communication is key.
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